A long time

It’s been a long time it feels like since I last blogged.. Gonna try and get into it again.
With the new medications I feel much better. I can stay up an entire day now without pain which is amazing. And yesterday I slept through an entire night!!!! I haven’t done that for months if not years. I woke up 7:00 AM and was like o_o that was really my face.

My only problem now is that I have problems focusing on something for a longer period of time. It’s a side effect of a medicine but it’s really bothering me and causing problems when I really want to do something.

I love writing. When I was in school I got a scholarship for a short story I wrote together with a huge amount of money. Since then I’ve been writing a story of mine but it feels like I can’t continue it with my focus at the moment.

Yesterday I exercised for the first time in years! I have that feeling now when you’ve exercised and you feel it in your body. I’ve missed that feeling. If I feel good today again I will do it again. I need to build up my body.

I’m finally becoming healthy I’ve never been so happy


Yesterday I got my diagnosis. I have epilepsy which is a neurological disorder they think I’ve had it for a long time. I don’t feel like writing right now. I just want to relax in bed with my 3DS and play Shin megami tensei IV. It feels strange to finally know what is wrong with me.

Rising dawn

Dawn finally rose and the suns rays shun through my window. I’ve been waiting for this, I generally don’t get up before 5 as it doesn’t feel prudent to do so. I’ve had a rough night filled with panic attacks and nightmares, on top of that it was freezing cold in my room past 2 AM. Radiators are not turned on after 1:30 AM to 7 AM. They are old style ones where you have to burn coal in order to have them working.

Today looks like a beautiful day with a blue sky. I haven’t seen the sun for days just rain and clouds. I dislike winter seasons because of all the dead flora. Everything is dead during winter..

I’ve been having a real bad week with a lot of pain,stress and headaches I hope it’ll get better soon I’m so tired of this. Hopefully Monday will give answers to why it’s getting worse.

Beginning a new year with stress

A new year has come but I can’t say I celebrated it too much.. my mind is occupied with the EMR results that is yet to come. They moved the schedule from Friday to Monday so three extra days of waiting. It’s killing me.
I try to keep myself occupied I’ve been reading a lot to be in a different universe, it helps thankfully. It helps relieve the stress of everything going on in life.

A song of ice and fire is what I started with, I’m always reluctant to picking up a series because I know that I’ll have to keep on reading and when I reach the end I’ll want more. I hate when books end it feels like I will never be with the hero/heroine again and live their adventures.

Daenerys is my favorite character in A song of ice and fire; she’s frail like a flower then blossoms into a strong woman. (And who doesn’t love dragons?) Her brother is very interesting too, Visery. That’s someone to dream about!

Any book suggestion would be nice, preferably with female heroines; doesn’t need to be fantasy as long as it has a emotional and detailed story.

When I read my post I can see why I love JRPG’s due to their immense story and how many hours they are. I don’t think I’ve played one that’s less than 120 hours!
In a not so far away future Shin megami tensei’s Persona 5 will be released I can’t wait for that. Actually this year is bringing a lot of good games; Bloodbourne, Persona, Witcher,  Final Fantasy, The order etc the list goes on!

Lastly I’m posting a picture of my beauty Akara
photo 5

A night full of dreams

Last night I slept. It’s been a long time since I did. Of course, it was not a good nights sleep. Nightmares filled with beasts from the depths of our psyche. Things never meant to be seen. I was so frightened, perhaps it is because of all the horror novels I’ve read that makes my mind conjure up these monsters. It starts out beautiful; an area full of crystal everywhere is shimmering light. The suns reflection blinds me but for a moment. When I see again everything has turned dark. Through the crystal I see a hundred eyes looking at me. Blood red eyes starring at me.

Lucky I don’t remember much more of it.

Sleepless nights and rainy days

Another sleepless night awaited me when I lay in my soft bed. I wasn’t surprised a lot of pain had befallen me during the day. Stress gives me more pain and at the moment I have a lot of it. I’m worried about the EMR results that will come Friday morning… The doctor talked about MS saying I have all the symptoms of it and with the relapsing pain.. I still have hope that it’s nothing so serious.
Some of the symptoms I have is Pain, shaking / tremors, unable to walk by myself, horrible memory, losing feeling in my legs and right hand, worsening eyesight just to name a few of them. I don’t feel like naming all as it just makes me sad to think of it all… Due to being sick for 8 years now I suffer from deep depression that’s hard to handle.. But I must keep hope up for myself.

As I look through the window I see the grey sky boding for a rainy day.. I wish I could go out but it’s not a good day for me. I’ve taken the painkiller 40 minutes ago i’m waiting for the full effect. I’m so tired…. I wish I could sleep.

People takes a lot of things for granted like being able to walk. How often do you appreciate the ability to walk? Do you ever think of it? Do you ever feel lucky…

Like Jigsaw so famously said; Cherish your life.

Christmas is over

So finally the Christmas holiday is over. I believe Christmas has become far too commercial. Today, all it is about is this buying frenzy. It’s not about family or being together as whole. It’s all about material things now.
I can’t help to think of all the parents with multiple children who has to work overtime just to be able to buy that expensive toy for their children so that they won’t feel like they are worth less when their friends receive something super-expensive. The world isn’t about material things. It’s about people and relationships and that’s what I believe it should be celebrated as IF I celebrated it. I don’t. Being a watcher and seeing how it is, saddens me; the anger and rush to get everything done in time. Just the other day THREE people passed out while shopping because of the pressure of everyone wanting things.
Today I bring food to the people in need and donate clothes. That is sharing. There are people out there in a far worse position than yourself to just spare a little means a lot to them. What if your old clothes that’s just lying in the drawer could make a child warm for the night. What if all the leftovers from Christmas would be given out.
It doesn’t matter how old you are; a child or a grownup donate what you don’t need to the poor because it does make a difference to them. They will remember that person who gave them a warm blanket for the night. Or the gloves that keeps their hands warm.

I say; you get what you give.
Being in my own situation with the huge amount of pain a little kindness can go a long way. Remember that.


The tale begins

Hello reader,
I go by the name Veratonia I’m a 19-year-old girl however I’m not like everyone else, I suffer from a chronic pain illness that is currently being diagnosed.
I’ve been bedridden since I was 11-years-old so I don’t have very many memories of better times; the few I have I hold onto with my life. Every day since then I have a huge amount of pain in my entire body, most of the time makes me unable to walk without support from someone, most of the time my boyfriend whose the sweetest man who sticks with my through this ordeal. Normal 19 year old’s are at the prime-time in their life partying and just finishing school. I had to quit it because I could only attend 15% of the time in all the classes which made it impossible to pass anything. What I do right now?
I’m waiting to be diagnosed. I have huge stress over finding out what could be wrong with me. Of course your mind goes to all the bad places. However I have hope that it’s nothing serious. I have had enough suffering throughout my life. And the joy of finding out that it’s nothing would be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

The reason I decided to start a blog was to express my emotions; I do it very well through writing however English is not my first language so bare with the mistakes. To express the joy when those days comes and when hell breaks lose to have somewhere of my own.
Today is not a good night for me; on a scale from 1 to 10 I’m at 8 with my painkiller. It’s so unbearable I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on anything it feels like I just sit… I just sit and wait for it to pass. It has been a long day with taking EMR and now the one week waiting for the results.

There are few things I am capable of doing due to the pain; things that you can sit down and do it all that works. I love writing, painting, reading and foremost playing video games. To escape into a different reality where I am not sick is a wonderful thing for me. I can be someone else for a while. I don’t have to be the girl who is sick; who everyone feels bad for. There I am powerful, it is my world.

Role playing games are my favorites; the likes of Dragon age and The Witcher are just amazing games that I think everyone should play. Apart from those I’m very into horror movies and games. The feeling of fright is something quite unique that I can’t say I dislike, it’s so rarely I feel it; but it feels like I’m alive.
I believe this is enough of an intro. Have this beautiful artwork:)